I have an aunt who is dying of pancreatic cancer. She is 85 years old. This is the first life threatening illness she has had in her 85 years. Everything else- totally curable. But now, at 85, here she is with cancer. She's dying, to say the least. Without any real "warning," she found out she had cancer this summer and was thrown into this whole world of hospitals and chemotherapy. At 85 years old. She was hesitant to accept chemo, considering her age, she wondered what good it would do her. She has lived a good life, she's done all the things she's wanted to do, she's raised a huge family and done well for herself. I think she figured - maybe it's time to go. But now that the chemo isn't really helping her tumor, she has a huge choice to make. Either way, she'll never get better. But can the chemo sustain her just a little bit longer? Will it allow her to spend a couple extra weeks or months with those that she loves so dearly? No one really knows. But she still has to make the decision. I understand that she is 85 years old, but when do you say to yourself "I'm ready to die?" When do you give up the fight, throw in the towel and let God take you where he may?
I'm so young now that death, though always present in my life and in my memory, seems so far off. I think about the decision she has to make, the knowing that death is coming. What if we're just not ready for it? What if we aren't ready to leave this world and all it's people behind? What do we do then? That's what scares me the most. It's not the actual dying. It's not being ready to go. I want to have a chance to say my goodbyes but I am afraid if I know that I'm going to die, I simply won't be ready. That's why I wonder if sometimes it's better not to know. To have it be sudden, like my Dad. Maybe it's easier for the ones you love though, if you are able to say your goodbyes. Because I know that I was left with so many questions, so many things left unsaid. But my Dad, he could go peacefully. He didn't have to contemplate his death. He didn't have to think about all that he would be leaving behind. Maybe that is better for the person actually dying. I'm just afraid if I know what's coming, I'm not going to be ready. And I'm afraid if I'm not ready, the thought of dying will kill me before any disease does.
I believe people such as my aunt, those facing death, are courageous. I admire them and their strength to continue to wake up in the morning.
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Biv your aunt is very courageous. I'll pray for her. I think you'll be fine if it ever comes to that (heaven forbid). I knew this kindergardener once... who had cancer. I was talking to him, and it was so sad cause he had no hair and he was all bloated cause of chemo, he was Peter's best friend.... anyway, point is, even though he was only in kindergarden, he knew what death was, and he was ok with it. Same with my great grandma. Everyone I see at nursing homes and such that are terminal are just so peaceful, and I think if that ever happens to you you will be too. You learn to be ok with it. I would rather know it's coming then die suddenly, get a few things done, say a few things before I die. You'll be fine. Don't worry about it, if 6 year old Bryan Wolf can handle it than so can you. :-)
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